Joy journal

this is another entry from my journal, while reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  God has me in a very vulnerable place, learning how to conquer my feelings, my fears, and embrace all that he has for me – all of it. Pain, which leads to joy, grace, trust, and a new word I am learning

Eucharistao.

Thanksgiving, grace and Joy.

The following entry is my heart-cry from a few days ago. 

I hope you can hear my heart.

I am not depressed. quite the opposite.

Just processing. Maybe my words can help you process too.

  and we can grow closer to him together.

This is not just a tiny step – a baby step here, LORD.

This is a run – a marathon, a distance between here and the moon.

You are pulling me, dragging me, helping me.

Crack me wide open, LORD.

Break my heart so that you can pour more of you in.

 Help me to see.

Really see –

not just behold, but jump in, headfirst.

Plunge deep.

It is you –

you who are doing this in me. Undoing me. Unraveling me.

Release me from the fetters of this life so that I can see.

I can run.

I can –

But how can I see beauty in this? It is sin. Yet I am missing at it.  I am tangled up in my hate of the sin and the desire for you. In the hurt that I deserve and the pain that eats away all that you are trying to show me.

Snatches it up and consumes that before I even taste and see that the Lord is good.

What is the  secret? 

what do I long for here? 

why does it hurt so deep and I want the relationship restored and the pain to subside, even stopped throbbing, ripping, tearing – so abrasive is this pain, that it has worn me raw.

Is raw where you and I meet?

Where the salve- the ointment of your Word is the only thing that heals?

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."

 Dividing the joints and marrow – the sinewy places where the scar tissue is so hard from the life torn apart. 

This is where's the healing takes place. Where I embrace the whole of it.

 Not just the pain that the "terrible awful" caused by sin and blindness – not seeing – but the whole of it.

 Is this not what Job did? And what you did for him? How can I understand it? Open my eyes to see. 

You did not just allow Job's troubles, you brought them. 

So he could see. 

You chose him. So he would choose you. 

"Have you considered my servant, Job?"

You are in control of even Satan. 

I am like Job.

Writhing and not seeing.

Blind.

But you have beauty to behold. Sin had left its Crimson stain, He washed it white as  snow.

This tastes bitter on the tongue – the pain. It seems so tragic.

Meaningless.

Senseless.

It didn't have to be this way. Yet it did. For me. For her.

For us to know. For us to learn.

For us to see.

Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth thou has for me.

 Place in my hand the wonderful key that will unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit, divine.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart.

I want to see you, I want to see you.

To see you high and lifted up, shining in the light of your glory.

Pour out your power and love, as we sing:

holy holy holy–

Lord, God Almighty.

Early in the morning, our songs  shall  rise to thee. 

Cherubim and seraphim, falling down before thee.

Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.

and me – with my face to your son – help me to see.

With my eyes

with my hands

with my heart. 

"My son, what is it that you want me to do for you?"

"Lord, I want to see."

To see you fully, and experience you- your joy, unlike anything earth has to offer. 

Thats what you are doing in me through all this mess. 

And anything that makes me fall on my face before you is good.

Thank you Lord, that you are healing me of my blindness. That you are with me in this process to lead me; to be my guide. To hold my hand and walk me through this maze of pain and despair. To lead me to hope. To Peace. To fullness of Joy. To you. I am so grateful. So dependent for my very breath, for sometimes it feels like I will be smothered by the heaviness of my heart. Yet, when I let you,  You carry it.  thank you for your joy. For it can be as overwhelming, the soothing balm to my weary soul. Jesus I'm so in love with you. Thank you for making me love you, need you, want you. Jesus, I'm desperate for you.

 Lord, you are all I want.

To trust or not to trust?

I have been reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp over this past week.(Her blog is www.aholyexperience.com and is a wonderful place to go to see God at work.)

 I have been learning a great deal about myself, and I have serious trust (or should I say, lack of trust) issues. I want- really, expect things to be good. To turn out all nicey nicey. And if it doesnt, I have to find someone to blame. I know I don't deserve to have my way, but I want it. Really, really badly. and I often sacrifice much on the altar of self to get it. 

So today, I am taking a little side step from Colossians to share my journal entry from a few days ago. 

This joy-journey has me undone. I am not a natural. Not a "truster". Not one who has yet learned to "see". To embrace the impossible- the "Him-possible" and look with the wonder of a child. I lost that somewhere along the rocky road of life.

Sure, I can look and see through the good times; I can remember. But for the future? A choke hold comes upon my anxious heart and the "what if's" fly in the face of my ever increasing thankfulness, saying, "you don't know if He will be good in the future. You don't know what will happen." 

And I reel, and I thrash and still a Hope-beam shines piercing the fear like a hot knife into a block of ice. 

A whisper of quietness tries to touch my soul. "But Remember" it says. 

And I breathe. And exhale. Breathe and exhale.

Ps. 1:2

But his delight (joy) is in the law of the LORD and on His law does he meditate day and night.

He is like a tree, planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. (emphasis mine)

 Meditate. Remember.

What law? 

Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul and with all thy strength. And thou shalt have no other gods before me. 

OUCH.

When I elevate my heart as to think that I deserve anything, then I am ungrateful, prideful and putting myself on the throne. But when I, in gratitude, bend the knee saying come what may, not my will but thine be done...

Is it really that simple? and that difficult?

Every good thing, and every perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights in whom there is not shadow - no darkness - and who does not change like the shifting sands (of my life). He is the steady one, not I.

I wish I could just nail the lid on this- be done with it and never have to think about it again. Never worry about the future. About my kids and what would happen to them if something happened to me. What may come. Be done with it. Learn it once for all. But now that I have opened it, scratched the scab off, I see there is a gaping hole and all my fears come tumbling out. Spilling, dripping bleeding. 

And I am undone. 

I am like a bird with the cage door open and I don't know- don't remember how to fly. Or perhaps I am just petrified. 

Remember. That is the key that unlocks this trap. Recount. Thanksgiving. Gratitude.

I have lived so long in the state of trying to balance everything, to do enough good that it evens out and that God will recognize it, so he won't send bad stuff my way.....That is not my motive. My motive is love for Jesus, and love for others. But if I really think about it, deep down under the layers, all the way to the marrow, I am afraid. 

Of dying. 

Of my kids getting hurt or sick or killed.

Of pain.

Of how am I going to see Her? And that somehow, I might really stop loving Her. She who traded the beauty inside and out for a lie? She who has cut me so deep that I bleed joy and pain intermingled? She- who wants so desperately to become he- all the while hoping that is the answer to her own pain? 

Remember.

Recount.

Thousands upon Thousands.

Heaped up and spilling over. Blessings. Gifts. 

And He who gives good gifts- the ones we see- can He not disguise those good gifts in earthly pains?

He was.

He is. 

Did not His ultimate earthly pain bring us the most joy?

He, who for the joy set before Him suffered death (and separation from God) even death on a cross. 

Joy.

And I identify with Him, and He with me in my painful quest for joy. 

I crucify my desires- even my fears upon the cross with Him. I can let go. I can be free to accept whatever comes from His hand. Because it comes from the hand with hole in it. The Whole in it.

Ps. 1:6

For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous- but the wicked will perish.

December Daily the 19th- and be thankful

Well, ya'll, today is my 52nd birthday. I remember when I was little, and figured out I would be 40 when the year 2000 rolled around, I thought that was forever, and I wouldn't live to see it. But here I am, and I might just live to see 2050!

Anyway, I love being this age. Way better than 20's, 30's or even 40's.

At this age, you aren't considered "old" by the younger crowd, and you are still considered young by the "older crowd". And you know way more than you did when you were younger. You also can say silly things or do crazy things, and it is ok, because you are old enough to know better, and comfortable enough with yourself to do it anyway, and people know that so they aren't shocked when you are silly. I suppose they chalk it up to being a little loopy at this age, but I dont mind.

Also, you are more cautious when you drive, and you have learned that you will get there when you get there, and that YOU have to pay your deductible, not your parents, and you have not yet lost your reflexes on the road, so you are a better driver.

But the best thing about being this age is being settled. I know many people my age who are not, but I am. I have learned to be content.

Which brings me to the subject of todays post: thankfulness.

I am not going to write too long, I am just going to let you in on a secret that God has been teaching me. Thanksgiving precedes God's blessings and enables us to live a full, free life in Christ. I know it seems like the other way around, but it is not. We have to be thankful in everything, then the blessings flow. Well, actually, the blessings are already all around us. We just have to recognize them. But it is in the thanksgiving that we enter the throne room so that he can act on our behalf. And through thanksgiving we are able to release the disappointments and hurt so that the Holy Spirit can and will work powerfully in and through us.

If we think on Jesus, and what he did the night before he was crucified, we think of the bread and the wine. But before they ate what did he do? He gave thanks.

And if Jesus gave thanks before the worst possible situation, shouldn't we? In everything?

Col. 3:15 says: ¹⁵ Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.And be thankful.

And be thankful. 

I am reading a book that my dear friend Linda got me for my birthday called 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. If you don't have it, get it. Don't question if you should. Just do it. And read it immediately. It will change your life. 

God has had me in this classroom of learning to be thankful for a long time. But it was not until the "terrible, awful" came in my life that I really started to learn how to be thankful in ALL things.

I was telling a friend today that I do not want this chapter of my life to end until I suck every last drop of what God is trying to teach me out of it. I don't want to loose the closeness to him ever. And if I have to be stuck here for that to happen, then so be it. 

God is good. All the time. Even when we don't see it. Even when beautiful, wonderful children are ushered from this life into eternity and the arms of a waiting savior by a senseless wretch with a weapon of destruction. Yes, lives were destroyed. But what others meant for evil, God will use for good. And who knows what he can do with such a time as this. It is our perspective that has to change. Was that situation good? NO WAY. But God is. He is. And he can and will use the grief and devastation left in the wake to make some sense and something good out of this horrible mess. God is good. All the time.  If you don't believe it, look around you. And He cannot be both good and bad at the same time. He is God. He is not like us. 

Read "1000 Gifts". She has such an amazing way with words. Truly gifted. Then go forth and life a full life. A life of gratitude. A life of freedom. A life of thanks.

I love you all. And thank you for all the sweet birthday wishes. I had a great day at home with the kiddos and DH doing absolutely nothing. Drove around and looked at lights this evening and am happy as a lark. Thankful for.........everything, especially you.

Still standing amazed,
Leslie

December Daily Day 16 Presents

Presents. 

Packages.

 Gifts. 

We all like them. The surprise contained inside usually brightens our day and makes us feel loved.

Especially if the gifter knows us well, and takes the time to either purchase something that we especially want but would not make for ourselves, or if they hand-make us something; for it is the gift of time that is the most precious of all. Because time is the one thing you can never get more of. 

Think about it: everything else you can get more of. Or at least something similar. But time, no.

This moment will never be able to be relived. 

Memories never remade. 

Years never repeated.

I was so blessed yesterday by my dear friends who chose to take time out of their busy holiday schedules and spend the morning with me celebrating my birthday at Teapots and Treasures. We had a lovely time, and I got some wonderful gifts. The most wonderful being time with my beloved friends. Truly they are my heart sisters, and inspire me to be the kind of woman Christ wants me to be. 

One of my friends bought me a book called 

1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. 

You can find her website here. 

www.aholyexperience.com

(by the way, the Jesse Tree Advent devotional on there is phenomenal.)

I started reading this book last night, and I think every Christian woman needs to read this book. And do the challenge. I know I am and will be this coming year. 

About 14 pages into the book I knew this was going to be a life changer for me. And that I had to make sure my daughters read this book. Heres a quote that will explain why:

(from page 15)

Ultimately, in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom into the heart of Eden. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are, simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave. 

Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins? 

Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other. Standing before that tree, laden with fruit withheld, we listen to Evils murmur, "In the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened..." (Gen. 3:5). But in the beginning our eyes were already open. Our sight was perfect. Our vision let us see a world spilling with goodness. Our eyes fell on nothing but the glory of God. We saw God as He truly is: good. But we were lured by the deception that there was more to a full life, there was more to see. And, true, there was more to see: the ugliness we hadn't beheld, the sinfulness we hadn't witnessed, the loss we hadn't known.

We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive Him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. 

We eat. And in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, and we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. 

We are hungry. We eat. We are filled...and emptied.

And still, we look at the fruit and see only the material means to fill our emptiness. We don't see the material world for what it is meant to be: as the means to communion with God.

(end of quote)

Wow. 

I can't wait to see where this is going. Actually, I know where it is going. But I can't wait to see how she (the author) gets there. Because I think it is going to be a great ride. 

All of this to say:

Where are we in our expectations with God? Do we long for His Presents, like a happy family, happy life with well behaved kids, and adoring husband, and even the traffic to go our way, more than we long for His Presence?

I not only long for them, I expect them. And then when they don't happen, I get aggravated and even upset at times. But when I let those circumstances drive me into His Presence, instead of insane, I realize that is exactly what they are there for: to create crisis of belief, and a need for relationship with Him. 

I wonder: if we never had any trouble, would we need or want Him? 

Why would we need a Savior?

What would He have to save us from?

As it is, he has to save us from Ourselves.

December Daily Day ? Presence

This is going to be short because it is late, but I feel like I have been amiss in not blogging for the last few days, and I wanted to be consistant. But I am not going to feel guilty, because it is not productive, and because this is not God's standard, it is a self imposed desire to blog daily. So I am going to let it go!

But I just wanted to let you in on some profound things that happened to me today.

First, my friends showered me with love and gifts today at my birthday tea party. I have such a wonderful group of friends, and they just made me feel so incredibly loved and I am so blessed to have each one of them in my life. Ladies, I love you all. Thank you for keeping me on my knees, and making me want to be a better wife, mother and daughter of the King. You all rock my world!

The second thing happened at a little boy's birthday party, where an adopted boy was showered with a party he didnt expect, and a gift he never imagined by an uncle who wasnt even related to him. Ask me and I will tell you the whole story sometime.

The last thing was at church watching my husband filling out the envelope for the Christmas offering, and the TTI offering. And my daughter putting in all the money she had earned by selling jewelry in the One Child offering. And my son as he emptied his wallet of his iPhone savings into the plate as it was passed. After the service, I asked him, "How much did you put in?" "All of it" was his reply. "Why?" I asked. And I will never forget his reply: "I had to, Mom", was all he said. And that was enough for me. Because I understand that. And I walked to the car stunned. My kid gets it. He sees beyond himself, and his wants. He knows he will get more money. God will continue to bless him. He has learned to trust and he was joyfully, happily obedient to give what he had with an open hand.

And why shouldn't he be? He has learned it from the best. And I have had the same teacher he has. His father. My husband. The most generous person I know, and the one whom I have the privilege to be married to. He has taught me to joyfully give and wholeheartedly trust God. Yes, I know I am blessed. But tonight I realized on a deeper level, just how much.

And as we were driving home it hit me: I have looked into the face of God today. I have been in the presence of the Holy Spirit in you today. And in that uncle, and in my husband, and my son and daughter. I have stood in the presence of Almighty God- tangible, visible and holy. I am in awe.

December Daily Day 9 Process

Yesterday, we talked about Christ in me, the hope of glory. And Today, I want to make it personal.
We went to church Sunday at the Acreage Church, and our missionary from Zambia, Pastor Nelms nephew spoke. It was just what I needed to hear.
He spoke about the Gospel, and how it should change everything; every aspect of our lives. For every aspect of our lives are tainted with sin and hopeless without Christ. We in our own strength are unregenerate. But the restorative power of the gospel changes everything. The Gospel is a process in which Christ restores what the enemy has stolen: relationship with him. It is both a once forever change and a lifetime process, at the same time.  And he said something that really got my attention. He said, "You are the hope of the world. You are uniquely qualified to be and to bring the hope that the world so desperately needs, even thou they dont even know that they need it.
That got me to thinking about something that God has been doing in me.
Most of you know the pain in my life. In my heart and in my body, which I think is a result of the pain in my heart. But God has been schooling me in this classroom of pain. And just as the emotional pain has an impact on my physical body and is causing physical pain, beyond what I could have ever imagined, these things that take place on a physical plane have great bearing in the spiritual realm. And particularly on my spiritual life. A Process. So here's my synopsis. I wrote this to a friend today who is going through a difficult trial and is in the hospital right now. And this is for you, too my dear friends. So think about what you are going through, and read this as if I am speaking to you about it.

Your whole life up to now he has been preparing you for this moment in time. And this is the exam. You have been studying, preparing and practicing. Now is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. If you look back, I am sure you can see the moments he put in your path...the teachers, the Bible studies, everything to prepare you to be here right now. I love how he does that. And even if you cant think of specifics, He has. 

I was just thinking today about pain. My heart is so broken right now, and has been constantly being crushed by our second daughter. She is living a lifestyle that is contrary to the word of God. However, God has used this pain in such incredible ways, and my heart cries out to him in gratefulness for this pain. I didnt start out that way. I was kicking and screaming and denying and wrestling with God. But now I am settled in this. But it doesnt make it easy. It is hard, and it still hurts. In fact, I told someone today that I didnt know it was possible to have your heart so crushed and still be alive and walking around. Honestly, sometimes it hurts so bad that I think I am going to be crushed under the weight of it. Thats when I know I have lost perspective and have to take a step back and see it from his point of view. We have such a short time here on this planet. And he is so loving that he lets us have such good gifts. And we expect them to last and last. We don't expect it to all be easy, but we dont expect it to be so hard, either. And that we forget that sometimes pain can be a friend. Weird, I know. But would you have needed him so desperately without this? And as you said, you have alot to learn in trusting him. I know what you mean. So here is your opportunity. Your "exam". Not your final, probably just the mid-term. Because there is more to come, my friend. But the cool thing about this exam, is that it is an open book exam. And the teacher is there, holding your hand and walking you through it. He is standing by your side saying, "I am the Answer to the questions you didnt even know you had." And he lets us experience just exactly what will make us jump into his arms and learn exactly the lessons we need. No more, no less.

It is such a comfort to me to know that He is in control. He is able. He is God. And he loves me. He loves me. Why?? I am so unworthy to experience his grace in such a tangible way. His love so perfectly poured out for me. In the midst of a terrible pain, God has birthed such a deep love- a desperate, quiet and peaceful kind of love that I can't live without him. I cannot manage anymore without him fully present every moment in me. I realize that everything I do, every moment I spend without him is just rubbish. There are still too many of those, too. But I am learning to see him more and more and want him to be my everything. And I thank him for driving me to my knees. For choosing me to fall so desperately in love with him, and settling me deep in his peace. And isnt it worth it? 

Col. 1:24-29 ⁴ Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. ²⁵ I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
²⁸ He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. ²⁹ To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me.

We have been stuck in this verse for a few times. But it is so important. And so rich and full. I rejoice in what I am suffering.....
I rejoice and fill up in my flesh what I am still lacking in what Christ needs to be in me for myself, and so I can learn to love others like he does. He is carrying out in me- in my body, soul, mind and spirit right now his transformation process....that is what I think it means. 
And he is the reason we strenuously contend, with All HIS energy. Because when we do it in our own strength, it is just rubbish. 

My dear friends,  God is at work. And he has chosen you for his canvas. He is crafting something beautiful. Thank him for what he is doing in you, even if you are not at the place where you can thank him for the vehicle he chose to use. And pray that you will get there. I am still praying that for myself, because I often forget his purposes and want to just get in the vehicle he chose and drive away. Away from the pain, the hurt and disappointment. But if I learn to embrace it, I can live above it, and not let it drag me down. Only then can I truly learn to have real joy in whatever life brings. 

With a grateful and joyful heart,
Leslie

December Daily Day 8 Ponder

PONDER

Well, we've been around the block and are working on week 2! 

Wow! 

Can you believe it? 

Only 16 days left till Christmas.

 Relax.

 Remember what we have been learning? 

Take a deep breath, practice His Presence. He is with you, and HE has a plan! You are the one who gets panicky. Not Him.

Anyway, we are back to our first day of the week where we pondered last week. And I liked it so much the first day of last week, that I chose Ponder again. 

So today you get a second chance to ponder. 

Col. 1:27 says: To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of the mystery, which is Christ in you , the hope of glory. 

Don't you just love a good mystery? I do. Well, you have one living inside you. Christ in you, the hope of glory. He is our living and only hope. 

Ponder that.

A Mystery revealed. It was hidden for ages. Now it has been revealed to us and in us. 

Christ in you, your only hope of salvation.

Of doing this thing called life well.

Of freedom.

Of eternal life.

Of choosing to act, rather than react.

Of hearing the voice of God.

Christ in me, Christ in me, Christ in me,

The Hope of Glory, you are everything.

Christ in me, Christ in me, Christ in me,

The Hope of Glory, Be my Everything! 

Be my Everything, Be my Everything,

Be my Everything, Be my Everything.

And, you may be someone else's only hope. 

We are the hope of this world. We are uniquely qualified to bring the Hope of Christ to the world that he created. The hope that they need and don't even know that they need it. 

This changes everything. 

And we will talk more about this tomorrow.