Joy journal

this is another entry from my journal, while reading "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  God has me in a very vulnerable place, learning how to conquer my feelings, my fears, and embrace all that he has for me – all of it. Pain, which leads to joy, grace, trust, and a new word I am learning

Eucharistao.

Thanksgiving, grace and Joy.

The following entry is my heart-cry from a few days ago. 

I hope you can hear my heart.

I am not depressed. quite the opposite.

Just processing. Maybe my words can help you process too.

  and we can grow closer to him together.

This is not just a tiny step – a baby step here, LORD.

This is a run – a marathon, a distance between here and the moon.

You are pulling me, dragging me, helping me.

Crack me wide open, LORD.

Break my heart so that you can pour more of you in.

 Help me to see.

Really see –

not just behold, but jump in, headfirst.

Plunge deep.

It is you –

you who are doing this in me. Undoing me. Unraveling me.

Release me from the fetters of this life so that I can see.

I can run.

I can –

But how can I see beauty in this? It is sin. Yet I am missing at it.  I am tangled up in my hate of the sin and the desire for you. In the hurt that I deserve and the pain that eats away all that you are trying to show me.

Snatches it up and consumes that before I even taste and see that the Lord is good.

What is the  secret? 

what do I long for here? 

why does it hurt so deep and I want the relationship restored and the pain to subside, even stopped throbbing, ripping, tearing – so abrasive is this pain, that it has worn me raw.

Is raw where you and I meet?

Where the salve- the ointment of your Word is the only thing that heals?

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."

 Dividing the joints and marrow – the sinewy places where the scar tissue is so hard from the life torn apart. 

This is where's the healing takes place. Where I embrace the whole of it.

 Not just the pain that the "terrible awful" caused by sin and blindness – not seeing – but the whole of it.

 Is this not what Job did? And what you did for him? How can I understand it? Open my eyes to see. 

You did not just allow Job's troubles, you brought them. 

So he could see. 

You chose him. So he would choose you. 

"Have you considered my servant, Job?"

You are in control of even Satan. 

I am like Job.

Writhing and not seeing.

Blind.

But you have beauty to behold. Sin had left its Crimson stain, He washed it white as  snow.

This tastes bitter on the tongue – the pain. It seems so tragic.

Meaningless.

Senseless.

It didn't have to be this way. Yet it did. For me. For her.

For us to know. For us to learn.

For us to see.

Open my eyes that I may see, glimpses of truth thou has for me.

 Place in my hand the wonderful key that will unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit, divine.

Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart.

I want to see you, I want to see you.

To see you high and lifted up, shining in the light of your glory.

Pour out your power and love, as we sing:

holy holy holy–

Lord, God Almighty.

Early in the morning, our songs  shall  rise to thee. 

Cherubim and seraphim, falling down before thee.

Who was, and is, and evermore shall be.

and me – with my face to your son – help me to see.

With my eyes

with my hands

with my heart. 

"My son, what is it that you want me to do for you?"

"Lord, I want to see."

To see you fully, and experience you- your joy, unlike anything earth has to offer. 

Thats what you are doing in me through all this mess. 

And anything that makes me fall on my face before you is good.

Thank you Lord, that you are healing me of my blindness. That you are with me in this process to lead me; to be my guide. To hold my hand and walk me through this maze of pain and despair. To lead me to hope. To Peace. To fullness of Joy. To you. I am so grateful. So dependent for my very breath, for sometimes it feels like I will be smothered by the heaviness of my heart. Yet, when I let you,  You carry it.  thank you for your joy. For it can be as overwhelming, the soothing balm to my weary soul. Jesus I'm so in love with you. Thank you for making me love you, need you, want you. Jesus, I'm desperate for you.

 Lord, you are all I want.